Live. LOVE. Learn.

Happy.

Are so good for soul searching.

I never realized how important vacations are until I actually take them.   Switzerland and Paris were, in short, eye opening.   2 weeks of being in a completely different place away from everything, the day to day life, the people I’m used to, the work, was just what I needed.  I watched and observed really closely who my parents are, how they interacted, how I felt,  how I interacted with them and others around me, and came up with quite a few realizations.  And who would I be if didn’t “soul search”, right?

Right. 

1)  On my thought process & my view of myself:  Throughout the whole trip, I paid pretty close attention to my own thoughts.  Here’s what I realized.  Negative thinking about the world and myself pretty much consumed me.  It’s pretty subtle (but it manifested in not so subtle ways) and the thing about it is that I’m so used to it that it was almost.. normal.  It wasn’t until I was taken out of my day to day that I could listen better to my thoughts, and I realize this type of thinking drove my anxiety and stress.  And so then I thought, dang, I’ve wasted so much time, SO much time, thinking this way.  How many opportunities did I pass up and how many people did I hurt/did I close myself up from as a result of this type of thing?  And how much unnecessary anxiety have I “endured” because of this? 

2)  On my view of God: Did you know that I didn’t think He’s actually good?  I didn’t either.  It’s weird but I discovered that deep down I don’t trust or believe that He wants what’s best for me and that if I am actually happy that He would take things away from me, right away. Like I’m not allowed to be attached to anything or anyone because if I do, then I would be doing something wrong and He’s a jealous God, right?  Or that He wants to see me suffer because there is just so many theologies that I’ve heard recently that says suffering is good, so then therefore I think that God wants me to suffer so that He can teach me.. something.  Like if I wasn’t suffering then I am not being a “good enough Christian”, like there is actually such a thing.  I think this is part of the reason why I’ve kinda been avoiding Him.  He’s one of the most important things in my life, but I never realized that these subtle unbeliefs about His character was and is also in that relationship with Him.  Confused? I know I am. 

3)  On relationships with parents: 
Not having my dad around for 10 years caused me to have to rebuild the relationship.   Walls were built up around my heart against him and everything that he did wrong in my eyes confirms my decision to shut him out.  That’s what happens when you go into it already with a negative mindset.. until this trip.  So there was this one day that I snapped at him and.. he got really quiet.  There was actually hurt in his eyes and that’s when I realized that my words affect him very much. Like I do matter. So then the rest of the trip I tried to shut out the negative voices and really listen to my dad.  The conclusion?

I am loved. 

I’m loved I’m loved I’m loved!  How did I not hear this before, when he calls me at 10 at night asking me whether I am home, or when he calls me before I come home for the weekend asking what I want to eat so he can cook for me?   Or when he tries to get to know God because he knows that He’s a big part of my life. 
So I think this realization is making me a lot… calmer.  Like I don’t have too much to prove anymore and now I can NOT do things out of fear, but out of faith.  

So then?  
So then I struggle through this more, to keep the good things and memories close to my heart, and to work through the negatives so that I can be free.  I think the next few years are going to be pretty crucial for this, kinda like a second childhood. If you believe in prayer, please pray for me, and if you don’t, think good thoughts for me. 

I refuse to believe that things can’t be changed. 

I’m claiming my freedom. 

There are those among us who are blessed with the power to save what is loved by another, but powerless to use this blessing for love themselves. 

More thoughts on this later.

Need to figure out what that means.

Being myself is something that I have struggled with for the longest time. 
There was a sermon at church that talks about how a lot of times people ask what they should do - whether to pursue this job, to go here, there, etc- but then the speaker goes.. instead of doing that, we should focus on who God created us to be.  

Sounds so simple, but so difficult to do. 

At work, for example, the failure to do so have cost others to not think too highly of me- because the fear that holds me back causes me to not speak my mind.. this stupid timidity that I hate so much but I can’t get rid of. 

My friend who is becoming one of my mentor figures said to me that my life is like American idol and in my head I have to perform to be perfect.  And that I put obstacles in front of the things that I love to do because ..I don’t even know why.  It’s almost like a form of self hatred… I’ve been realizing. And I need to stop. 

So here’s my first lame attempt to embrace who I am. Maybe when I write it out I can then start being okay with it. 

I am
Dianne
an Asian American
Woman
quiet but sarcastic
fighter
A product of hardworking, strong, protective mother
and a kind, yet absent
father

who loves
family
to sing
to dance
to think
to listen to others’ stories
to write
to express herself
to travel
to learn

who believes in
the possibility of a relationship with God
Healing
miracles
the goodness of people
an ideal world and the responsibility of everyone to contribute

who is sometimes
insecure
angry
unhappy with herself
too emotional
too caught up in her past
scared that other people will stop loving her for being too much or being imperfect
but

still wants to
fight for those who are oppressed
speak for those who can’t speak for themselves
see that this world heals from all the pain it got itself into

Who will
try very hard to stop believing the lies
try very hard to be okay with my mistakes
try very hard to be okay with not being the best 

And who will
start living as if I exist on purpose.. flaws and all. 

sometimes it feels good to just scream.

At 24 hour fitness today thinking that it was Zumba.
Nope. Half an hour later….

Learned that of all classes, it was the 24 Tease.  Yes. I learned stripper moves.

Hilarioussss. Best. Class. Ever.

I need a community.  
I miss UCLA.