Icebergme.
It’s been really hard for me lately to write down my thoughts in this blog or talk it out to people, and I’m not quite sure for what reason. A few nights ago I couldn’t sleep because it was super hot and I was awaiting the long awaited retreat- so my mind wondered about things like the future (the 2500 characteristics I want in the boyfriend, who the bridesmaids are, san diego weather), work(checklists, checklists, checklists) and what i’m going to eat today (buffet, cup of noodles, souplantation..) and for some reason I ended with pondering what the purpose of this blog really is for me.
So some people use their blogs to raise awareness about issues they care about, some use it to express their feelings, some use it for plain advertisements. So I looked through my blog and all I could see was whine whine whine waa waa waa i need this i hate that emoness shed tears here (hence you don’t find those posts here anymore because out of disgust i deleted them all) and I’m just like.. gee. Is that REALLY me? Am I REALLY sounding FIVE every time I write a blog entry? MY god. Shut up Dianne, really. Your life isn’t that hard. And so I decided that from now on, I will only post up things that really would be beneficial for other people to know or read or if people can relate to things (like no one really needs to know my internal dialogue once a cute boy approaches me and asks me out unless i could relate it to other girls out there, which I will do in later posts about inner workings of girls’ minds- but not now).
But at the same time that brought me to another problem because I have been realizing that duh the traveling salesman post and the super not making sense houze poem is a scream of my unconsciousness and things that are not necessarily resolved in my life and duh the other shorter posts are more direct screams because my friends are all spread out and its harder to go call Julia or Tracy or Stacey to pour my heart out. So I just lick my own wound, calm myself down and try very hard to be a big girl but at the same time hoping that someone would come across the post and say ‘hey, are you okay?’
I hate that about myself- that I even need someone to ask how I’m doing. I should be self fucking sufficient and should be tough like Superman who dont need no sidekick or nobody helping her. Because being emotional is so often associated with weakness and I’m quite the emotional one- i mean, shit, nobody wants to be the emo one out of the crowd. And mind you, that is what the world tells us- is that you should NEVER share your emotions with others because you will be a burden, and that you should isolate yourself in the bathroom stall when you wanna cry because you dont wanna cause any scenes or worse, face the ACTUAL problem. And so what used to be deep conversations with people just becomes blog posts or is simply kept inside. I was getting used to it- getting colder and colder by the moment. I guess the distance and being away from a community has been making me more of an iceberg me since graduation. I’m finding it easier and easier to shrug pain off, or give others the smile again that I used to give people my freshman year of college or the silent treatment when I’m angry or just run away from everything. Easier to be “strong” by the world’s standard, to keep the ugliness inside and put on a mask.
But who are we kidding.
Today, the pastor talked about community and how people need people and i wanted to choke him because damn it he can read my mind (not really, I was more like, wow this is why God gave me the strong feeling to not ditch his sermon today). Then this weekend I also met awesome people at the retreat who reinforces that its so nice to actually have a community- to belong somewhere. Then to top it all off I was talking to Leiman Who Changes Lives about some recent events and I just started bawling out of frustration about a whole mess of things that I havent mentioned to anyone and being the good friend that he is, he goes it’s okay that you’re frustrated, he said, you’re trying your best to love other people.
I hated that it felt GOOD and calming to me- that I needed someone to do that for me. That I really do need people and God wasnt kidding when He said it aint good for man to be by him(her)self. That there is still the little girl inside of me that is still hypersensitive and needs some kind of a safe space to bawl and be herself _ and today thanks to the pastor and spec kids and LeimanThatChangesLives I’m realizing that perhaps it’s good for me to be with people again, so that there is less of a need to post random ass posts from the subconscious that I end up deleting anyway. And more importantly, so I can grow, so that I don’t run away from problems, and actually become a better person, so that ultimately the icebergme would melt and all that is left will be compassion and love for others. Because if youre plugged in the right community this is what it should help you become- a ball of compassion who loves.
And so here I go. Because I want to be a different person the next time I look back at this post.
