• 24th January
    2011
  • 24

Being myself.

Being myself is something that I have struggled with for the longest time. 
There was a sermon at church that talks about how a lot of times people ask what they should do - whether to pursue this job, to go here, there, etc- but then the speaker goes.. instead of doing that, we should focus on who God created us to be.  

Sounds so simple, but so difficult to do. 

At work, for example, the failure to do so have cost others to not think too highly of me- because the fear that holds me back causes me to not speak my mind.. this stupid timidity that I hate so much but I can’t get rid of. 

My friend who is becoming one of my mentor figures said to me that my life is like American idol and in my head I have to perform to be perfect.  And that I put obstacles in front of the things that I love to do because ..I don’t even know why.  It’s almost like a form of self hatred… I’ve been realizing. And I need to stop. 

So here’s my first lame attempt to embrace who I am. Maybe when I write it out I can then start being okay with it. 

I am
Dianne
an Asian American
Woman
quiet but sarcastic
fighter
A product of hardworking, strong, protective mother
and a kind, yet absent
father

who loves
family
to sing
to dance
to think
to listen to others’ stories
to write
to express herself
to travel
to learn

who believes in
the possibility of a relationship with God
Healing
miracles
the goodness of people
an ideal world and the responsibility of everyone to contribute

who is sometimes
insecure
angry
unhappy with herself
too emotional
too caught up in her past
scared that other people will stop loving her for being too much or being imperfect
but

still wants to
fight for those who are oppressed
speak for those who can’t speak for themselves
see that this world heals from all the pain it got itself into

Who will
try very hard to stop believing the lies
try very hard to be okay with my mistakes
try very hard to be okay with not being the best 

And who will
start living as if I exist on purpose.. flaws and all. 

  1. livelovelearn posted this