High School Haiku
Talked about climbing the ladder and chasing goals today.
Asked a question: until when do I need to do this? When will I know that I have arrived?
You’ll never arrive, my friend says. You should always look for something bigger and better. I was struggling with this concept for the longest time and couldn’t pinpoint why. I wanted to continue to discuss it but I couldn’t find the words.
Then I was reminded…
I mean… Hasn’t that always been my problem? My constant need to prove that I can? Constant need to be perfect?
Now, the question is- Is it possible to be motivated but yet at the same time not be as worried or stressed about every little thing? Is it possible to appreciate my accomplishments but still strives to do the best that I can?
There is this book that my high school English class made- a compilation of all the students’ writing. Someone made a haiku that describes everyone in class and for me she wrote something like
There is Dianne
She is in line next
Trying to be perfect
The fact that my high school friend wrote that about me means that this has been something I’ve struggled with for a LONG time. For as long as I remember- Ive always been the girl who strives to be the best- super competitive- wanting to do everything perfectly. I always thought that there IS such a thing as perfection- and that thing is absolutely not who I am. Always striving, I wasn’t really fun to be around. Worrying was like my best friend, and nervousness was right next to it.
Perhaps it came from the immigrant experience- My mom has made tremendous sacrifices for me to be here- so I have to do something to pay her back. Perhaps it’s the only child syndrome-I can’t accept that I’m not at least up to par with other people. Perhaps its my insecurities- trying to cover something that I’m lacking by excelling at many many things.
Then it dawned on me that no matter how I got it.. my perfectionistic tendencies are completely driven by fear of not being loved. In college, I went through a period where I was taking way too much on and I felt like- if I became paralyzed, if I was no longer able to help people, then will I still be loved? I think that’s the question that I’m ultimately is trying to answer.. Can I be valuable apart from what I do?
It’s a coincidence that this week I’m reading this one section of “More than Serving Tea” -a book for Asian American women who wants to embrace how Jesus has made them to be- a section called “Perfectionistic Tendencies”. It’s in our culture to be always striving for perfection, but the author mentioned that I need to be able to rest in the fact that God made me who I am for a reason and that I need to accept myself like He accepts me. And the author goes on to say that there is a difference between being a perfectionist and in pursuit of excellence. One of which is driven by fear and the other by faith.
Perfectionist
Idealistic
Strives for the Impossible
Fears failure
Dwells on mistakes
Values self by what they do
vs.
Pursuit of Excellence
Realistic
Strives for the doable
Anticipates success
Learns from mistakes
Values self for who they are
I should pursue excellence. And then perhaps this
Dianne
is in line next
trying to be perfect
can finally find rest.
This has been a life long battle, but if there is one that I won’t lose, let this be the one.
